Parkade Mysteries: Part 1
Yesterday I unraveled the myth of the Harbour Centre Parkade. HC is SFU's downtown campus, where I have approx.90% of my classes, and where parking as ASS RAPINGLY expensive at around $16 a class. You heard me. $16!!!

Last year, I got 'in' with the parking dude after he came to get mad at me for pulling right up to the ticket machine. You're supposed to park and then get your ticket, which is lickety split for bipeds who can walk the one flight of stairs up to the school, but made no sense at all for me when the ONE WHEELCHAIR spot was THREE flights down from the ticket machine. I explained I used a wheelchair. He was abashed and pitying and completely mortified that he had dared admonish me about something in the way (it seems) that only non-english speaking, foreign born men are. They see the chair and instantly go into super overprotective/ultra respectful mode. I wish all parking attendents did this. So me and buddy had a little arrangement. If I was late for class or forgot to put my little sign up, he'd cut me breaks. Just the other day I thought the ticket machine was broken and when I saw him (down on the bottom floor) I told him that's why I didn't have a ticket (for $16!!) He explained it wasn't broken, I said I'd bust back up in my chair (not actually a big deal) but he wouldn't hear of it. The dude is cool.

But then. BUT THEN!

The other week I just couldn't stomach dropping $16 (!!!) for parking, so I bought the $12 ticket instead, even though I knew I'd be 30 minutes over. There had been entire DAYS that I'd parked without tickets before so I was all "Pshaw! Like anyone is going to care." Famous last words. I get down to my car 20 minutes after the stupid thing expired and I had a FIFTY DOLLAR TICKET. DAmn you Impark. You godless sons of Sodom!

It made no sense! The one WC spot appears to be permanently occupied by someone who works in the office tower so I'd been parking in this reserved spot that always has this jeep parked illegally next to it. I never understood how this jeep got away with doing this in an Impark (godless sons of Sodom) Bastards lot, but the Jeep provided me the room that I needed to get the chair in and out. I have NEVER gotten a ticket when I park there and I'd say I've gotten to the point where I pay only 50% of the time. But on Ticket Day that spot was taken so I had to park across the way and BOOM! Ticket for being 20 minutes late!

How do you go from parking multiple times for 8 hours at a stretch with no ticket and then get hammered for a mere 20 minutes???? I will tell you.

It appears I have been parking in the designated (but unmarked) building maintenance dudes' spots. There are only a few, but these spots are pure, pure GOLD. They are totally get out of jail FREE spots. No passes required. Parking dudes don't even glance at the four or five cars in those spots. And how do I get away with parking there you ask?? Me and the building maintenance guys go back a long way. There have been a few altercations involving large semis getting stuck in the parkade, high pressue Vancouverites freaking right out and honking, which annoys my to no end, so I generally end up fingering them or giving them some sort of "Calm the fuck down already" gesture. Each time I have done this, the building dude(s) have seen it and have gotten immense satisfaction that I'm on 'their' team, if you will. Also, the spot I park in is right in front of the door they all come in and out of going to...I don't know, Secret Maintenance Land, so they see me ALL the time hopping in and out of my car. So pretty sure the chair is working its magic as well. Oh yeah and once, when the elevator was broken,  I had to go up/down their shipping ramp. That mofo is steep, and they were suitably impressed. So we go way back.

I finally figured this out yesterday when I couldn't find my keys, thus had books and coats and various bags spread all over the place in front of their door. The space beside my car was empty and this green truck pulled in. I've seen the green truck a million times before, usually in that spot. Out pops Jolly Irish Maintenance Man who was completely appalled that I appeared to need some form of help and thus ensued a rather amusing comedy of errors as he insisted on picking everything up and handing to me, me putting it immediately down again, and finally ending with him satisfying himself by propping all my books up against my wheel. Ah Jolly Irish Maintenance Man. That's when the parking mystery fell into place.

I will now abuse this to the best of my ability.

In re-goddamned-diculous news, I got ANOTHER ticket up at SFU. Their system isn't QUITE as expensive (only $11 per class-GAH) but here's the thing: the machine only takes credit cards or change. For some reason I didn't have my credit card with me today. Still don't really know where it is.  I thought, whatever, I've got cash. BUT NO. It doesn't take cash.

Dear SFU: When you rape people for parking, at least make it POSSIBLE to pay in some other form than credit. Yes I KNOW you can pay in coins, but who has $11 in coins kicking around, EVER?? I put as much coinage as I could muster ($5) in and that got me a sweet two out of seven hours that I needed. WICKED. Thus I came out to yet another $40 ticket. I don't actually know what happens if you don't pay these. I will soon post to the SFU community to find out, but I really don't plan on paying these until they somehow force me to....like Impark (godless sons of Sodom) and their collection agency thugs. I respect those bastards because they are ruthless. SFU? Not so much.

I knew I was going to have a ticket, but I had heard rumours that if it was your third one in a semester (which this one was) you got towed. However, I've also heard an rumour that you can't get towed with the disabled placard, which to me seems like an Urban myth. I decided to test that theory out today. I figured I'd at least get a boot put on, but nothing. Come on SFU, if you want me to play ball, PLAY BALL. I don't respect your little tickets. Withholding grades? You might get me to pay. Not letting me graduate? I'll pay, but not for another X number of semesters. Tow me? And I will fricking buy your stupid tickets everytime even if it means making the 5 minute journey to the coffee shop, buying something stupid so I get change, coming back to get a bloody ticket, and THEN going to class. Like seriously, earn my respect already.

Bah. Parking is a nightmare.