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Is this how I do this?

Due to my increased activity in random groups and stuff, just thought I'd make it public that this journal is friends only. If you want in on the witticisms and general gabbery, leave me a note.

Yip cha.

Apr. 29th, 2005

In awesome news, I just got an email from WCB telling me that I can't drive to my appointment in Van with the spine doc, that instead I must take the GREYHOUND or fly. What the fruity fuck? Sometimes I want to gag myself with a spoon when dealing with these fuckwits. So now I have to figure out the logistical nightmare that is flying in a wheelchair (not impossible, experienced paras do it all the time, but holy shit do I suck at this wheelchair thing)and then getting my wheeled ass around the lower mainland for a few days, sans vehicle. Fuck do I hate WCB.

Also, the OC effing rocked my socks last night. Best. Episode. Ever. How I love sweeps. Silly Trey, you know Marissa is the biggest tease ever. Silly you for taking all those charges "come Hither" looks as...well....charged come hiter glances. She's fucking with you man...not actually wanting to fuck you. I'm sad for Trey and all his pouting deliciousness.

Apr. 27th, 2005

Last night Jen brought over a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles xbox game and it effing ruled. We're totally going to beat it. It did, however, brgin up a disturbing issue: What have they done to the ninja turtles? Somewhere over the past 10 years they have changed the animation/voices of the ninja turtles in an attempt to modernize(I'm guessing?) the show.

What have they done to my Raphael?????? Out of the turtles (Michaelangelo, Leonardo, Donatello) Raphael has always been my favorite for his sardonic wit and ironic take on life. At least, that's how my six year old self viewed him. I thought he was effing awesome. In fact, I even had a crush on him, along with Eric from the Little Mermaid and Wheeler from Captain Planet and the Planeteers. But NOW, Raphael has the voice of an ephysemic trucker and constantly makes confrontational comments (NOW I'm MAD!) and chauvanistic remarks (I'm worried about April! She's such a little cutie).

What the shit? I want my old Raphael. In fact, I am now forced to re-evaluate something that has been constant in my life for the last 15 years, and I am not happy about it, let me tell you. I want the old animation, the old voices. I am actually contemplating switching my turtle to Leonardo, or Donatello. If my old playground chums got word of this, I would be done. Shawn, Chris, and Todd, would mock me until the cows came home, even though I haven't seen any of them in about 12 years. God, I can't believe I am contemplating switching to Donatello, the dorkiest ninja turtle ever. We always made the kid we didn't like (Todd, usually) be Donatello.


 This is really tearing me apart. Look at how great they used to be:

Look at my Raphael, so nonchalent and saucy.He was "the wild member, funny, sarcastic, and often times getting himself into trouble". I loved him. Now, however, they're all freaky and shit, with white eyes and teeth! Turtles don't have big teeth!! Why are they drawing them like that??

AHHH! And Raphael is now protrayed as "having an edge and a dark side that often puts him at odds with the rest of the group". Goddamnit. What happened to my fun loving sardonic little Raphael? He got all mean.

Oh Raphael. What happened to us? We used to be so close, so together, but you've changed. I wish it was like the old times, but it's, I just don't know. Sometimes I even felt like we were the same person. It wasn't  Shawn and Jess on the playground, it was Michaelangelo and Raphael. But're so angry. What changed Raphie? Where has my old Raphael gone? You're lucky you've got such an awesome combo move, otherwise I might have truly forsaken you and switched to Leonardo. I can't make any promises for the future, but I promise to try.

Turtle power baby, turtle power.

so help me god....

Holy shnikes.

Who knew that buying a car would be this much PAIN IN THE ASS. Boy, do I lurrrrrrrrrrrv going to banks and applying for loans, even though I DON'T NEED ONE, but apparently the chance to build one's credit rating is too good to pass up. However, this means endless forms to fill out, presonal questions to answer, and those grey areas that I seem to exist in, rather than occasionally come across. Such as:

Where are you employed right now: Uuhhhhhhhhhhh......I'm not.
But you want a loan: Yeah.
Any income: Yeah, I've got WCB.
Oh. Umm...hmm..I'm not sure what to put (options being: Student, Unemployed, employed, homemaker): Your guess is as good as mine.

Any other assets: uuhh...well, I've got some investments out in Toronto.
Like stocks?: Well, not really, see these uber rich relatives of mine set this thing up yadda yadda yadda....
Huh. Again, I don't know what to put: You work here. Figure it out.

Sonofa.....gawd damn. This hideous process for SOMETHING I DO NOT NEED.  And then I want to pay it off like ASAP, but apparently it is better to make it last for like a year so that it is demonstrated that you can pay off a loan yadda yaddda YAAAAAAADA!

And don't even get me started on dealing with ICBC, WCB, and the car dealership ALL AT ONCE. I wanted to end my life today. It's now 5:15 pm and I haven't even gotten a chance to stretch today! WHAT THE SHIT! I hate hate hate beauracracy.

They better watch out when I get my car. Someone is going to have one ugly Honda crash through the front of their building one of these days.

Apr. 24th, 2005

I'm so sick of this.
Today I'm Not Happy.
Fucking legs.

Apr. 22nd, 2005

My shoulders are all fucked up and it's kind of pissing me off. Apparently there was some kind of nerve damage yadda yadda that's now resulting in uneven muscle development in my back....because all of a sudden my back is working, like, quadruple time. In short, my pecs/traps are becoming these RoidMonkey-like muscles, while nothing else is working. What then happens is your shoulders get all rounded and hunched because your pecs are constantly contracted, and your neck disappears because your traps keep your shoulders up around your ears.


Fuckity fuckity fuck fuck fuck.  Also, my legs are just going mental lately, so methinks that I'll bite the bullet and get on the med program.....sheesh. Physio tells me that it may change with time so I'll give it a go on a trial basis. I hate hate hate pills.

Car salesmen are beyond retarded. So the Kamloops dude calls us back and I hand the phone to my brother because he's much better at being adamant about shit, and the Kamloops sales guy starts whining "I've got two kids to put through college!" when we say the price is too high.

First off, forgetting the paralysis thing for a moment, wrong fucking family to use that line with. Are your children quadruple amputees that can't get off their asses and get a summer job? Pretty sure I had to work my ass off for a  few years and then STILL had loans.
Secondly,  buddy was just telling me that he saw the article in the paper about how we had to completely reno our house so I could come home after being in the hospital for 6 months etc. etc.etc. and then I'm supposed to give a shit because he doesn't want his children to have to work for something in their lives? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, dear salesman.......use your head my friend.

In other news, I went for an epic wheel around Mac Park today while my brother and friend ran along side me. Now my entire body (what I can feel anyways, nyuck nyuck nyuck) aches. My brother said I was like this robot in a short story he read, where the robot is hunting this guy but moves at only 5 miles an hour, so the guy isn't worried, until he wants to sleep. So while he can always run faster to get away, eventually he gets worn down and the robot catches him , moving at that same steady speed. I think I will make a shirt that says "Robot Stalker" on it.

Bleargh.I'm bored. I'm going to go play Ghost Recon.

Blazers 4 Eva.

Vice Parade

Vice #3: I am secretely 87 years old.

1. I like to go to bed at 10 pm. And I like waking up at 6 am.
2. I play Criabbage like a pro. And Hearts. And Canasta.
3. I love watching Miss  Marple movies.
4. Loud children piss me off.
5. I am a grammar Nazi.
6. I just took up watercolour painting.
7. I admire people who knit and sew.
8. I find myself telling "When I was your age" stories to people a year younger than me.
9. I say "Who could that be at this hour?" when someone calls after 9 pm.
10. I sometimes go to church for a social outing.
11. I love bingo.
12. I have recently considered getting a small dog.
13. I know who Lawrence Welk is.
14. Teenagers playing loud rap music scare me.
15. I think Burt Reynolds is a fox.
16. I look at teenagers and think "This world has gone to the dogs!"
17. Jeopardy is my favorite game show.
18. I can't start the day without reading the newspaper.
19. I try to eat lots of fibre.
20. I can actually feel the weather change in my bones. I am dead serious.
21. I like CBC.
22. I do crossword puzzles.
23. I love old country music. And new country music. Basically anything with a fiddle and a banjo.
24. I quit drinking.
25. I like to complain about anything and everything. Especially politicians, children, and the media.

The Vice Parade

Let the drum roll on......Vice # 2: I am Intolerant.

List of things I cannot stand/hate:

1. Car Salesmen: It's a cliche, I know, but seriously. I can't stand them. Especially the ones that act like buying a car is on the same level as giving birth, and want to know your entire life story, and take a picture of you with your car, and try to insinuate that price lowering will end up handicapping your vehicle or something utterly ridiculous like that. I want them to die.

2. People who hate reality TV: What the shit? You know it's good, but you're too pretentious to admit it. I daresay that a person who claims to hate all reality TV secretely loves it and watches it religiously, because honestly, there is a show out there for everyone. My personal favorites inclue Growing Up Gotti, The Amazing Race, and worming it's weasely way back into my heart, Probst and Survivor. Ohhhh Probst.

3.People who are always "Away" on Msn: Just sign the fuck out already.

4. Relatives: People who could more or less be a hobo on a street for all I know about them, coupled with that inappropriate desire to know EVERYTHING about your life.I hate them all.

5.Sand: Sand really sucks. I can take on just about everything else, but sand, dammit, is a killer. I get all bogged down.

6. My mother's nagging: What are you STILL doing on the computer? Is it business related? Are you emailing someone important? Why are you STILL on there?? What can you POSSIBLY be doing? ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH.

7. WCB: Holy  shit do I hate talking to those people. Nothing like going through a traumatic accident and then having to justify that I am, in fact, in a wheelchair and I won't, I promise, one day just stand up and run off with the wheelchair they paid for. Like, fuck. I could understand them wanting to see doctor's reports and shit if I was complaining of, oh, say, WHIPLASH, but fucking paraplegia?? Jesus christ. I think even the biggest con artists would shy away from that one in favour of something A LITTLE EASIER TO FAKE.

8. My Legs: One would think that when your legs stop working that it's all fine and dandy and they just kind of hang out and generally do what you want them to if you have to move them.Oh I wish this was true. My legs have decided to go on a vendetta against me, thus everytime I try to move them somewhere (into the car, onto the couch, off my chair) they go into what I like to refer to as "Lockdown Mode" whereby they flex like crazy and refuse to budge. Therefore I have to spend the next 10 minutes trying to pry them apart as they throw their little hissy fits and finally cry themselves out and let me move them. What the shit.

9. Computers: stupid effing machines. The porn pop-ups are starting to get reaaaaaaaaally old now.

10. Monday nights: There's never anything on TV. EVER. And right now, TV is my LIFE.

11. Children: Kids are evil. They're loud and annoying and should be kept away from me at all times. I have zero maternal instinct.

12. People who try to push me: Let the fuck go, or so help me God, I will break your ankles.

13. Friends who ignore me: I broke my back. It's not fucking contagious.

14. Family Holidays: See Relatives.

15. Broken Nails: I broke my thumb nail yesterday and it hurts like a bitch. Boo.

There are many more things that I cannot stand, but Im getting bored of this.

On a random note, my mom is walking around wearing a shirt that says "I'm my own Porn." Interesting choice, Liz, interesting choice.

Pirates of Saskatchewan

Best phone call ever:

"Hey, is Blair there?"
"Yeah, speaking"
"Hi. I'm Jess. You're in wheelchair right?"
"Awesome. Me too. I don't know you, but do you wanna come with me today to look at a car? I suck at everything."
"Ha. Yeah sure, no problem."

So after I called up a random guy that I knew was in a wheelchair, we went to the Honda dealership and he showed me how to get the chair in the Element and holy shit am I a wuss and damn does he have some serious pipes and maybe I just need to go on some steroids.

All said and done, the Element is hideous but super great for getting the chair in and out, now if only the dealer here wasn't such a douche and would lower the price more than $400 (off a $30,000 vehicle for chrissakes)I would be zipping around in my Ugly before you can say HOpSkotch!

This kid Blair is an effing Rock Star in a chair and he has agreed to become my guru. Under any other circumstances we would have NEVER been friends, as he appears to have burned about 90% of his brain cells with the exessive smoking of the Ganga, but as long as you get past the absolute stoner speech/laugh/gaze, he's a nice guy. I think. I like to judge people after knowing them for 45 minutes.

My mother is doing some staining somewhere inside the house and I think I am a little high from the fumes...whooooooooooooooooooweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. I likey the paint fumes.

I forgot to put Conan O'Brien on my Old Man Crush list. He should have been number one. I'm sorry, Coney, I really am. You are first on my imaginary speed dial of Lurve.

My Vices

Since I've ended up in a wheelchair, I've been around a lot of people who seem to think that I am the most amazing thing since sliced bread. But before you all go buying What Would Jessie Do braclets, I would like to remind you that I have many vices, a few of which I plan to explain to you, in great detail. Vice number 1:

The Old Man Crush**

I have a number of inexplicable crushes on random men, most of whom are old enough to be my father and a few who fall into the Grandpappy category.

#1. Donny Deutsch

I'm all obsessed with The Big Idea with Donny Deutsch on CNBC and for some reason, I'm in love with him. He's a pretty damn smart guy, and even though I can totally tell he is seriously annoying in real life because he thinks he is God, I still have some weird thing for him. He makes me go all 'Squeeeeeeeeeee!'

#2. Jon Stewart

Scrumptious. Simply scrumptious. I effing love Jon Stewart. I'm not sure when my admiration and love for Jon Stewart's sense of humour turned into burning passion and lust, but somewhere over the past few months it has. Ooohhh...Jon Stewart. One day, you will be mine.

#3. Burt Reynolds

Holy hotness Batman! Burt Reynolds is probably the penultimate Old Man Crush, because even when I see him now, all old and grey, I still think 'Damn'. He is Such.A.Fox. I would jump his old and aching bones in a second!

#4. Kevin Bacon.

The original Old Man Crush. It really defies all logic. I have no idea why I love Kevin Bacon like I do. But for some reason.....oh man, he's a babe. Maybe it's those floundering dreams of musical stardom, maybe it's the fact he's been in a billion movies, but for some reason, Kevin Bacon has a starring rolein my dreams! Nyuck nyuck nyuck.

I could go on, but there you have it. I have crushes on Old Men. I am full of little nasty bits, and don't you all forget it.

** Bon Jovi has not been included in this list because he is, in fact, a god among mortals and thus does not deserve to be grouped in with lesser beings. That is all.



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